Abeyance is the worst enemy or the flintstone of yearning. She doesn’t know what exactly she is supposed to feel those moments. It is already conflicting to be happy in a hospital. She tries hard not to face his eyes; filled with indignation from the fact that she is here today, and yesterday, and the day before yesterday. Even though he can’t see her, he can understand she’s here, he feels her. And he doesn’t want her to be here. It’s almost funny. She simply places the daisies on the vase beside him and leaves with an enigmatic smile. It is still a wonder how she could manage to return home with a relief he is still alive. She never thought she’d worry that much for such a simple procedure.
She goes out on the balcony taking a cigarette. He hates cigarettes. Once she lights it up, her eyes are narrowing. The view from their house is dramatic yet ironic to her; An old cemetery and further the sea. The dark blue sea she loved exploring when she was young, filled with joy and the immensely need for changes. There’s no need for changes now. She has everything she wanted, a great house, a stable and enjoyable job, a loving husband.
“A husband.” She laughs with the thought. If they ever told her 20s self she will have a husband in her 40s , she would kick them in the nuts. She gazes the cementery. It’s a monument of the first residents. The town takes care of it and is open for people to come. She was going with him for picnics. They spent so many sundays drinking wine and staring at the sky. She could see her old dark blue dress swirling on the tombs; shining them up with its floral design. She smiles timidly. But her smile doesn’t stay long. The wind blows fiercely taking her cigarette away. A memory crashes into her mind.
“I want to stay here!” He yells clutching his hands.
She looks at him with a grumbling face. He sighs walking away.
“There’s nothing here for us! This place became a routine, we became routine! Please, let’s go somewhere new.”
“I’ve had enough of comes-and-goes. I always wanted to stay here and I will!”
He looms over her as her eyes open wide up.
“What do you mean?”
He lowers his head.
And then it striked. He suddenly loses his balance and falls down. He has a really strong headache. He grabs her with eyes open wide, complaining that he cannot see.
“I drove him blind.” She says. “But I think I’m the one who was blind all those years.” Her tears start falling, drowing her into a loop of sadness she never wanted to experience again. She was thinking about leaving but she couldn’t leave him. After all, he is someone she always wanted to have in her life, maybe ever more than her need of changes. They grew up together and experienced so many things. They took care of themselves for each other. But in the end, the both changed for each other, losing their own potential. She sits down crying out loud while the aggressive wind is throwing away the leaves of her aglaonema.
After a while, she stands on her ground. She takes her bag and rushes to the hospital again. She finds him sleeping. His face didn’t really get as old as hers. She’s always mad at him for staying so fresh, even though his daily life is more unhealthy than hers. She took Sunflowers this time and put them together with the daisies. His eyes open slowly, looking at her. He glances at the sunflowers and sighs with relief. He tries to reach her hand but her face isn’t soft anymore.
“Can you see again?”
“Yes.” He says prissly.
“You left.” she says silently.
“You almost left. And I cried tears of blood. It’s not just that you left, but my eyes went with you. You drove me blind. You don’t believe in me anymore. I was always our planner and You know I know when is the time for us to do something new.–”
He stares at her as she holds his hand.
“Please, don’t drive me blind again.”
Amaurosis (Greek meaning darkening, dark, or obscure) is vision loss or weakness that occurs without an apparent lesion affecting the eye. It may result from either a medical condition or from excess acceleration, as in flight. The term is the same as the Latin gutta serena.
Inspired by the song “Blind” by Placebo and the journey of finding and losing ourselves with someone else.
Landscape: A Good Morning by PhoenixGR